I Am So Lost Without You
by darveyisforever
Summary: "No. No, it's not. Nothing is ever going to be okay. She deserved the whole world and she still choose me. Over and over again. And I was too f*cking blind to see that. Tell me, how can I live with myself?" Harvey asked, slowly sinking back into his chair.


_AN: This is rather sad, I know. However, I felt like writing this, because it's something I have been struggling to accept, too. People leave, one way or another (intentionally/unintentionally) and nothing ever lasts „forever". So stop wasting your time and do your thing! I hope y'all find your way through this labyrinth of life..much love to all of you!_

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Mike carefully knocked on Harvey's door. Once, then twice. He started to worry and opened the door with the key Jessica gave him, when she moved away.

"Harvey?! Harvey, are you here?" Mike shouted, he was trying to stay calm.

"M-Mi..ke..w-what are ya doin here?" Harvey asked, slurring, because he was absolutely drunk.

"I am looking out for you." Mike responded with a heavy sign. He still hoped that this was some weird kind of a horrible nightmare, but he knew that it wasn't.

"I do nooot need you to do thaaaat." Harvey said. It's been a few weeks, since Donna died in a terrible car accident. Harvey has not once been at the firm, knowing full well that he wouldn't be able to make it to his office without yet another panic attack. Everything there seemed to remind him of Donna.

"Yeah, I think you do." Mike replied, taking another step towards Harvey. Harvey was standing in his bedroom door, leaning against the door frame.

"What do you want?" Harvey asked then, trying to prove that he didn't need any help by stepping away from the door. But without luck. Mike managed to put his arm around Harvey just in time, before Harvey would have hit the floor like a wet sack.

"Come on, we are going to sober you up a bit." Mike murmured, more to himself than to Harvey.

They all have been having a hard time these past few weeks. Rachel and Louis had a hard time believing that Donna wouldn't come back. There was a big hole in the firm that would probably never be filled again. Mike was trying his hardest to be there for Harvey, as well as for Rachel and the others. They all were deeply hurt, but the firm slowly gained back a little of it's usual ‚glow'. But Harvey? He was basically drunk all the time. At first it had helped to actually numb the pain, but by now it only made it worse, what didn't quite keep him from drinking anyway. After Harvey had thrown up a few times and had drunk about two espressos and one litre of water, he was almost sober again.

"How are you feeling?" Mike asked quietly.

"I feel like shit." Harvey replied, as honest as ever. Not just physically, but also mentally. Everything seemed to hurt, every muscle in his body felt sore and he couldn't see an end to that pain.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Mike asked then. He hated to see his best friend like that. He didn't deserve any of this.

"No...no." Harvey murmured. He got up from his chair at the kitchen sink and walked over to his fridge. His fridge was basically empty, but one thing immediately caught his eye: a dose of whipped cream.

"What is this doing here? Why..is this here?!" Harvey said and raised his voice with every word, "Mike..why is this here?!" He was so angry, he wanted to smash it against the window.

"I don't know! Harvey! Please, calm down!" Mike replied and slowly walked over to the fridge.

"Calm down?! How can I calm the f*ck down?!" Harvey snapped and threw the dose across the room, against his couch instead of the window, "I lost her, Mike. I lost her. I am so lost without her. God, I am such an idiot." Harvey added with tears in his eyes.

"It's okay, Harvey. It's going to be okay." Mike mumbled, not really sure what to say. He wasn't used to his friend being so open about his feelings.

"No. No, it's not. Nothing is ever going to be okay. She deserved the whole world and she still choose me. Over and over again. And I was too f*cking blind to see that. Tell me, how can I live with myself?" Harvey asked, slowly sinking back into his chair.

"I don't know, man. I just know that she would have wanted for you to be happy." Mike whispered softly and sat down next to his friend.

"This..this just hurts too much. There is such a big mess..everywhere. In my head. And she was the only one to ever understand." Harvey whispered, "I am so..lost without her."

"I am so sorry, Harvey." Mike said quietly. He didn't know what to say anymore. He could literally feel his friend's pain, his sadness, his brokenness. And it killed him.

"Sometimes I just sit there waiting for her to come in with that key she had...I remember the first time she opened that door with her key..it was the day before her parents stayed at my place and she wanted to have a look at the apartment. She looked around..with that beautiful face of hers and even though she tried to cover it, I could see that she was quite impressed by my place." Harvey told Mike, "Now that I think of it, I think that was the first time I felt my heart beating faster around her. How could I have been so blind, Mike?! I want her, I need her. I love her."

Mike looked up at Harvey in surprise. Of course Mike has always known that there were some unresolved feelings between his two friends, but he didn't think he would ever hear him say these three little words about Donna or anybody else for that matter.

"I really don't know what to say.." Mike mumbled and looked down at his hands. Even though he had been forced to deal with loss at a young age already, this was completely different and he no idea what he was doing nor what to say.

"There is nothing you can say." Harvey whispered, "I just can't see myself..living..without her by my side. I know she would want me to be happy, but I don't think I can be."

"I understand." Mike replied and nodded.

Harvey and Donna were a duo that hadn't been supposed to be separated and yet, someone Harvey had ended up alone.


End file.
